Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Open Letters, Wildlife Can Be Annoying Edition

(c) 2010 Ms. Huis Herself at

Dear Not-so-baby-anymore Hawk,

We get that you're not all that pleased with being kicked out of the nest. That you think Mum & Dad should still be providing you with food. I think they probably still are, you big beggar, since you're still in the habit of crying for food. Particularly every morning at about 5 am.

Now, we're big fans of the wildlife around here, especially you gorgeous birds of prey. But c'mon. You redtails are KNOWN for your distinctive piercing cry. It's cool and all, but not over and over and over and over and over and over again when I'm still trying to catch some shut-eye, capiche?

A Later Sleeper Than You

Dear Bunnies,

We've asked you to stay out of our garden. We've hacked down a bunch of your cover. You've been pretty good - my bean plants are actual real-sized this year, instead of the (still remarkably productive) stubs they were last year.

But you've been getting bolder.

We see you in our lawn.

We've seen you hide under the big bush right by our dining room window.

I've chased one of you out of the garden this past week.

Heck, the 3 year old now runs to the window or out the door and starts yelling, "Naughty bunnies! You stay out of our garden!" whenever she sees you.

So, I'm not going to be crying any tears once Redtail Jr. actually steps up to the plate and starts learning how to feed his own dang self.

Hasta la vista, bunnies.

It's MY garden, dang it!

Dear chipmunks,

Cry danger all you like, I'm still sitting at the computer. I don't care that you love that pile of wood right outside my window so very much. _I'm_ not going to eat you up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever

Dear wasps,

First you try to build on the front of the garage. So we repeatedly knock down your still-very-small nests until you stop showing up.

Now you're trying to build homes on the sidelights right next to the front door and also by our dining room windows. It's not gonna work. We're not going to stand for aggressive, stinging tenants right by the entrance to our home.

And you bunch who started under the dining room windows. That was clever. We usually look for your nests a little higher up, so you had time enough to get a pretty decent-sized nest going. But you were found. And Mr. Kluges took away your home. (Used it to show Pumpkin some of the stages in insect development, too. Now it's even at summer school.)

Then you sneaky little buggers moved over a couple of feet so you were partly hidden by some lilies. But we're on to you. And so Mr. Kluges again knocked down your abode.

So today, when I took a look and saw you've moved over another foot, but are still persisting in your misguided attempts? Yeah, you just wait. That nest is not long for this world either.

My brain is bigger than your brain, even though I don't have a stinger

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